Honestly, I've not been in a good place mentally and it's been really difficult. To look at this another way this is the first time in a very long time I've felt this low but it's not the worst I've felt. Living with anxiety is something I know I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life and for the longest time I was never able to put a word to those feelings but now it has a name I'm better able to deal with the attacks when it happens.
Sometimes it doesn't have a trigger it just attacks and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and stressed that "anxiety brain" takes over and recently I let it grab a hold of me which lead to some self-destructive behaviour. I'm not the type of person to ever discuss my problems with anyone even my closest family and friends, I tend to just deal on my own because the last thing I want is for those I care about to see me as a burden, worry them or be the cause of their stress and unhappiness but I'm learning to open up and it's one of the reasons I'm writing this.
Anxiety can be a bitch! Sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed and walk out that door and on those days I deal with those feeling by meditating, drinking some tea and trying to quiet those nagging thoughts in my brain. Sometimes just the process of putting on my make-up and bringing some life to my face can be the healing factor, sometimes I put my headphones on, shut-out the world and those inner voices of doubt and just take myself for a walk amongst nature where I can appreciate the true beauty of the world and sometimes just taking a long shower can heal me. Even the smallest action I can do for myself can make the biggest difference and can stop an attack before it gets worse.
One of the things I've learnt recently is that it's not my fault. My anxiety was brought on by various factors of my past and those things were not my fault or a fault in myself. I am not to blame for these feelings. While these feeling are a part of me they do not define me. I am my own biggest critic but I am also unique and deserving of life. Sometimes I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others because I deserve as much happiness as everyone else.
It's an uphill struggle to get my life back on track but I'm getting there. Exercise helps, I've been doing it everyday or almost everyday, and it helps me sleep, gives me a sense of peace and accomplishment and it makes me strong both physically and mentally. I'm eating better because good food puts me in a good mood but I always make time for a coffee and cake date because treats are important to. I'm making an effort to talk more to friends online and off because they make me happy and as much as "anxiety brain" wants me to cut everyone out of my life so I won't fear getting hurt, I need them and I love them and I know I can't deal with this alone.
So what's the point of this post? It's to let everyone know I'm ok and I'm dealing and to let everyone else know you're not alone in your struggles, I understand, I've got your back and I'm here for you if you need me to be.
Love & Hugs
Cate
xoxo
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